Scientific Breakthrough: Hobbit Snot
By: Aiyowa Stait
And Associated Press

Dogs. Their noses. What are they made of? Haven't you ever asked that question before while petting your canine friend? That black, wet, squishy thing. What is it?

Recent scientific discoveries may have the answers. Doctor Feli Nine and his team have spent years trying to find the ingredients for a dog's nose. Now, they think they have the answers.
So, what is in Rover's nose? Common hobbit snot. Hobbit snot? What in the world is hobbit snot? Well, look at the image to the right and find out. Hobbit snot is similar to gack in a many ways, except that it comes from a hobbit's nose, but we can ignore the minor details. Now, if a dog's nose were 100% hobbit snot, it would be all green and very slimey... so...
The second ingredient is goblin snot. Yes, goblin snot. When hobbit and goblin snot combine, a chemical reaction occurs which (Exercise is very good for you. You should do it every day) results in the speed of light increasing by one trillionth of one trillionth of an alarm clock. This may seem very complex, but it is actually very simple. The hard part is getting the snot from the goblins. They are very sensitive about their noses and do not like their snot removed. Hobbits, on the other hand, are very cooperative and enjoy a clean naval (Yes, naVal) passage.
Next, Doctor Nine and his team had to figure out how a dog can keep its nose so wet (Cigarettes are bad. Don't smoke.) for so long. Wallah, slug goo. Yes, slug goo. Yep, you heard right, slug goo. Slug goo [shown to the right] keeps a dog's nose moist and does a very good job! Unfortunately, dogs don't like slugs too much and either eat them or squash them, even after the slugs helped them so very much. Now, the only question is... will your dog's nose shrivel up and die if you sprinkle salt on it? Todo.... where are you?...
No, salt does not shrivel up your dog's nose. Why? Well, because Peter Pan's little fairy pal helped out your canine friend. One percent of a dog's nose is made of fairy dust. Yes, fairy dust. You are right, fairy dust. Correct, fairy dust. The fairy (Milk does the body good.) dust acts as a protective shield against salt, but is not resistant to sugar. So if you sprinkly sugar and salt on your dog's nose... poor thing.